It's been rough in the years since my mother died. Even though we had an embattled and difficult relationship, we loved each other -- and I miss her. The whole foundation of one's life changes when a parent dies, and sometimes I get blue.
I asked my friends on the Maud-L listserv for suggestions on what to do to cheer myself up. They were so good that I decided to post them here.
No one can be uncheered by a balloon! Go get one!
Draw smiley faces on your fingernails! If nothing else, it will divert your angst!
I buy makeup which I never wear. Eat ice cream. Directly from the container. Mix in candy to make it really sinful.
You know that stack of stuff you have, either mental or physical, that you really, really want to do but it keeps getting pushed out of the way by important stuff like laundry, and bills, and cleaning out the fridge? Say to yourself, now is the time, and do one (or even more). Sometimes I will take a day and do decoupage, or stitchery, or write overdue letters, or even non-overdue ones, or line drawers with my choice of contact paper (not the former owner's). Sometimes the boys and I will color, or do a jigsaw puzzle or I'll bake something to give away, because it really makes you feel good to do something nice for someone who has been nice to you but doesn't expect anything. And I like to listen to Big Band music or old radio shows.
Adopt a kitten!
Take a run around the reservoir.
Go to a gorgeous place and have High Tea.
Throw a fit and scream in the shower.
Take a plane ride--anywhere.
Eat an entire huge bag of Reese's Pieces.
Go to a multiplex movie theatre--pay for one movie and sneak into another.
Remember others your age who are critically ill, and you're not. (Not an attractive option, but sometimes it works.)
Look at Matisses and Cezannnes.
Watch Soapdish or Fawlty Towers again.
Think of wonderful memories of your family.
Visit someone who has an infant and hold it.
A candlelit bath with something soothing on the stereo. Baking chocolate chip cookies. Sitting down with a catalogue and ordering a variety of new return address labels (relatively inexpensive but fun). Taking a walk. And of course -- opening the pages of a beloved book!
I was bathtubless for so many years (a shower is fine, but so utilitarian) that I still love to pour in bubbles, salts or whatever and relax and enjoy a good soak. (I now have a claw foot tub -- talk about going from one extreme to the other!) And read something that you really "don't have time for" while soaking.
I go out into the garden and cut eleven lavender blossoms with long stems. I come in and weave them together into lavender wands. The more frustrated/depressed the more lavender wands.
Of course I get out a favorite BT and read a chapter or two, but aside from that:
1) Load CD player with favorite music
2) Make Good Earth tea
3) Play piano (I play badly, but it never stops me)
4) Can be done at work -- for years, on the recommendation of a friend -- I''ve kept a file in my desk called "Pats on the Back." Nice notes from people on stuff I've done and other sorts of morale boosters. It helps to remind yourself that there was once a time people liked you and what you do.
5) Send an e-mail to someone who's willing to "listen."
1. Close my eyes and take myself to a place that has great memories. I feel "out of my body" and like I'm really there. Or 2. Read a "comfort book" -- something from the BT series will do just fine!
When I review all the things that I would do - I have to admit that they involve eating, spending money, or both. I go to Partners and Crime on Greenwich and buy a new mystery - maybe a hardcover that I'd been postponing getting.... I go to a crafts store (like Michaels) and get a new painting book or some more embroidery thread or paint... I buy a CD that I've been wanting to listen to, then go home, sit with my embroidery (or my painting) and listen to it... I (used to before knees, will again) go for a nice walk, in Manhattan it would be in Battery Park City by the Hudson... I buy some Godiva chocolates and eat them... I might telephone a friend and do some or any of these things with her... I could make a batch of cookies or gingerbread or a meatloaf, or something quite complicated and strange that I've wanted to try but haven't been willing to do... I might fish out my patterns and fabric and at least cut something out... I could go over to the quilting store on 7th Avenue and check out their fabric selections... Actually fabric stores are one of my favorite places to go when down, you can read the pattern books and dream and pick out fabric...
Have you ever been on the NY Skyride in the Empire State Building? Very touristy but fun and for as long as the ride takes (maybe 20 min) you forget about everything and laugh. It is one of those rides that you stay in your seat but you feel like it is moving. Actually anything that makes you laugh out loud is good.
Here's my "one thing": have something simple & pleasant waiting for you at
the end of the day (or at the end of the work day). My husband travels a lot, and who wants to go up to a dark room and an empty bed at the end of
the day? So when I put the kids to bed, I turn down my bed, put on the bedside lamp on low and turn off the bright ceiling light, and have a book I
enjoy on the pillow for a half-hour read before I sleep. Then I go about the evening's business, knowing that a pleasant-looking room and pleasant
book await me later. Gives me something to look forward to--it's there waiting for me--instead of something ho-hum and ordinary. A friend of mine
used to be into bubble baths, and if you like that you could have everything except the water just waiting for you--bottle of bubbles, big soft towels,
magazines to read while you soak. Whatever you do, you could set everything up in the morning so you can know all day that something nice is waiting for
you.
To cheer myself up, I spend money (how predictable). But to get the most for
your money, these are what popped into my head:
1. Getting a haircut - I always put this off - maybe because it's time-consuming and then when the stylist is blow-drying my hair, I always
feel better - relaxed.
2. Better idea - buy something you've always wanted but been putting off. Nah, this usually brings on a guilty feeling
3. This is it - buy a musical tape or CD of the type of music YOU like which puts you in a really upbeat mood. For me, it would be R&B or Retro.
Do you have the "Cinnabon" bakery chain where you live? They make wonderful-smelling, big gooey cinnamon rolls. An advertisement in our
local paper showed a picture of one, with the caption: "Temporarily relieves everything". I know it does for me.
To cheer myself up, I will go outside and cut flowers and greenery, and then arrange them inside. If there are no flowers in my yard, I'll get one of the
$3.99 bundles of flowers at the grocery store (and add greenery from my bushes). Definitely pampering myself but as the L'Oreal ads say, "I'm worth it!"
I find that one of the best ways to cheer myself up is to have something fun planned for the future...something great
to look forward to. That or order someting from Hanna!
My prescription for depression, stress, overwork, a sad love affair, or whatever else ails you is to eat chocolate and go dancing.
Betsy loved both and I promise it will raise your spirits.
I used to get in my car and drive around in the country. I would pack a lunch, get a
favorite book and just drive and drive and drive. When I lived in Boston I did the comparable thing; I rode the subway. I would ride all the way
to the end of the red line to the stop past Harvard Square. It would be a nice ride. Anyway, at the end is the station that has a fabulous escalator.
(This is Porter Square -- sdn) I would ride out and go up and down the escalator. It is long and tall and down the middle are brass casts of gloves and mittens that range from
opera gloves to a child's Mickey Mouse mittens. Then I would get on and go back into the city and transfer to the Blue line and go to Logan Airport.
Let's see, what else do I do? I of course read old favorites while drinking either warmed brandy or coffee. Sometimes I even put the warmed brandy into the coffee.
I also watch musicals, Sound of Music, Hello Dolly, Beauty and the Beast are a few of the best for that. Sometimes I will watch dramas that have Happy Endings. I am probably one of the few people who liked Shining Through with Melanie Griffith. I usually don't go for comedies at a time like that.
I sometimes play Lemmings on the computer, call college friends or write letters.
Make hot chocolate with marshmallows--I do this frequently in the wintertime
Take the phone off the hook
Watch videos of Meet Me in St. Louis or Mary Poppins
Sit on my front porch
and read (in nice weather) or just watch the wind
blowing through the trees
Read something by Elizabeth Goudge or Eleanor Farjeon or a Maida book
Make peanut butter fudge--probably the single most effective thing, but I
can't do it very often!
Light candles all over the living room
Clean out a jewelry drawer
Mend something -- even better, embroider flowers on something
Cut ferns from my yard and put in a jar of water (flowers are all gone)
If you live in an apartment, purchase a single flower--preferably an iris if in season, but a tiger lily or a daisy would do. It should look as if it came from somebody's
garden
Listen to CD of Secret Garden or Romeo and Juliet (Prokoviev)--an
odd choice, I suppose, but it is a piece I often choose
(If I am really
stressed I will play Gregorian chant and Nature sounds (thunder and
brooks are especially good) and set the CD player on random.)
Bake a potato, the real way, in the oven. Or fry it, sliced very thin.
I bake a loaf of bread. All that
kneading and pounding is a great cathartic!
My "thing to make me feel
better" is having a great pedicure.
Unfortunately, the last time I had one, I got athlete's foot, and I'm sure it was from the foot bath. Then I
started to hear about people getting fungus and other infections. So unless you know of a good
pedicurist who is scrupulous about sterilizing her instruments, or you bring your own and stand over
them as they scrub out their footbath thing, I can't recommend them anymore. I've started
doing my own; bought epsom salts and a cute plastic tub in Chinatown for soaking my feet, various lotions and tools and polish and those
spongy toe separators. But it's not the same as having someone else do it!
What I do when I'm really upset is re-read an old favorite. I make a point of choosing one
that is emotionally taxing so that I get involved with the characters rather than concentrating on my own problems.
I must confess to re-reading a favorite book when I'm feeling blue, but I usually go for
something a bit undemanding, such as a BT book, or a Miss Read, or something funny like Calvin Trillin or Garrison Keillor
(funny to me, that is). Talking or going out with a friend is a good antidote. Sometimes I'll clean a room or closet just to feel
I have control over something. Sometimes I'll treat myself to a bookstore or music store browse -- I rarely escape without buying
something. If I'm feeling really stressed out or sick I'll retreat to bed with a Muppet or a Disney movie, which always cracks my
sister up. And I must also confess to downing my share of cookies (I'm a cookie monster!)
When depressed, I consume mass quantities of caffeine. My current coffee favorite is Peaberry.
Start a list of good things that have happened to you in the last year.
You will be amazed what it does to your bad days!
It depends if it is the blues, or a case of the "mean reds," as Holly Golightly so succinctly
put it in Breakfast at Tiffany's. I simply re-read B-T, LIW, or some Jane Austen, and/or stick either She's Having a Baby
or some Audrey Hepburn flick in the VCR. Audrey always makes me smile and I am so excited that my staff bought me the '80s version of
Sabrina last week!
For the mean reds, I get in my car and drive around northern Michigan (which is starting to get very beautiful...) and listen to absurd country music or Everything But the Girl. Sometimes I stop and look at Lake Michigan -- the lake calms me. Or I write some letters and buy silly gifts for my friends.
One thing that always works for me is putting on a record (tape, CD) from a good ol' Broadway musical and singing along.
I swear that the physical act of singing releases endorphins and generally improves my outlook physically and mentally. And a neat thing about this is that I don't have to stop my life to do it; I can continue in the tasks that need to be done, with music in the background, and singing at the top of my lungs.
Also, it doesn't involve calories, fat, or debt.
When I'm blue, I try to find the Winnie-the-Pooh video in which he covers himself in mud and grabs onto a balloon and floats up by a bee's nest singing, "I'm just a little black rain cloud, hovering over the honey tree." It just cracks me up! Here's poor Pooh, thinking he can be mistaken for a harmless rain cloud by singing he is and covering himself in mud. Anyway, it never fails to make me laugh.
Sometimes I can't read -- I watch old classic movies or listen to soothing music. I have been enjoying scented candles and making hot cups of Celestial Seasonings teas. I like to use scents that appeal to me and soothe my dry skin with various types of creams and lotions. Right now the Betsy books are taking my mind off "troubles" -- there seems always something troubling to escape from in life. I try to enjoy whatever I can and laugh as much as possible.
Hmmmm, well when I'm depressed I like to drag out my Barbies and Barbie clothes out of my closet and dress them up. I also like to go to bookstores (either Barnes & Noble or Borders) and stay there for hours. That is what I like to do when I'm depressed. Oh, and a McDonald's Caramel Sundae while listening to old Prince records doesn't hurt either. :) (this, from Alejandra Valera, not a Maudler)
I remember a bright moment that I had with my mother -- I just pick one out, they were very sweet, she used to call me her 'sunshine.' And I remember funny or brave things that she did. And then I picture her where she is -- sort of -- and I picture her in a good place, because as she got older and older and more and more frail, she said, 'God is good to me.' -- Sonia Levitin, whose books are wonderful.
I find that doing something nice for someone else (especially someone who would never expect it, and especially if you can do it anonymously) can help lift depression. (There is some basis in fact for this; helping others is considered an effective way to counter depression -- like volunteering to read to someone, visiting an elderly folks' home, serving at a food shelter, that kind of thing.) I am sure you'll get many good suggestions! I also find that re-reading a favorite book and eating a little chocolate helps lift minor depressions.
I also find that shopping helps lift my spirits. :)
When i'm sad, i tend to stay home more than i should: to go to work and school and avoid other "outings." i don't think this is good, but at the same time i can't persuade myself to just go for a recreational walk: i feel too conspicuous, or something. Fortunately i have a dog, and i live close to the post office, grocery store, and even work and school, so i can find reasons that i *have* to go for a long walk and i almost always feel better once i do. It's distracting, yet also lets me think about whatever's bothering me in a larger perspective than in the house, somehow. Plus it's environmentally sound and works off calories from any extra chocolate i've been cheering myself up with. :)
Here are some ways to cheer up a child -- good for adults, too!
Melissa Shaw says: "My fave thing to do when I'm depressed is incite a huge crying jag. For me, the Chicken Soup for the Soul books, while cloying, work to get me started. A lot of my friends to try avoid crying when they're depressed, but I find it's the only thing that brings even temporary relief to me. Sometimes I realize depressed feelings are a buildup of emotional crap that I need to vent. Crying works for me. So, sometimes, does a violent martial-arts workout!"
My UK pal Naomi suggests:
"Watch The Simpsons until Homer does something stupid -- then continue to watch...
* Put your favourite music on LOUD and hide when the neighbours/family get annoyed
* Retail therapy -- go shopping!
* Read the hilarious fan-fiction based on the work of your favourite author
* Watch a Disney movie!
* Meditate
* Make fairy cakes (cupcakes, for US readers -- sdn) for each of your friends (when it comes to dragging them to work/school you'll think Wow, I have lots of friends)
* Have a chalk fight with your friends (somewhat silly, yes)."
The MeFi community has lots of other good ideas.
I am always interested in any new ideas! So email me.
Go back to my mother.
Or home.