the standardized bonehead reply form.

I snarfed this off alt.flame.roommate in 1995 or so and just found it on my hard drive the other day. Priceless. (Pictures, too!)

I took exception to your recent
___ post/spam to newsgroup name.
___ email.

It was (check all that apply):
___ lame.
___ stupid.
___ ignorant.
___ much longer than any worthwhile thought of which you may be capable.

My attention is drawn to the fact that:
___ What you posted/said has been done before.
(Mark only if above checked)
___ Not only that, it was also done better the last time.
___ Your post/letter was a pathetic imitation of _______________________.

___ Your post/mail originated on FidoNet.
___ Your post/mail originated on Netcom.
___ Your post/mail originated on AOL.
___ Your post referred to the newsgroup as a Board, BBoard, BBS, or Notesfile.
___ Your post contained commercial advertising.
THE FINE FOR THIS IS $20. Please send money order immediately to:
Usenet News Network Security & Standards Patrol
3 Cielo Vista Terrace
Monterey, CA 93940
or your posting privileges will be cancelled.

___ Your post/letter contained spelling errors.
___ Your post/letter contained grammatical errors.
___ Your POST CONTAINED EXCESSIVE CAPITALIZATION AND/OR PUNCTUATION!!!!!
___ You posted a "newgroup" message without Leader Kibo's permission.
___ You posted a "rmgroup" message without Bruce Becker's permission.
___ Your post/letter was an obvious forgery.
(Mark only if above checked)
___ It was done clumsily.
___ And was easily traceable.

___ You have a lame login name.
___ Your machine has a stupid name.
___ You quoted an article/letter in followup and added no new text.
___ You quoted an article/letter in followup and only added one line of text.
___ You quoted an article in followup and only added the line "Me, too!!!"
___ You predicted the "Imminent Death of the Net[tm]".
___ You asked for replies via email because you "don't read this group".
___ You flamed someone who has been around far longer than you.
___ You flamed someone who is far more intelligent and witty than you.
___ Your lines are 80 columns wide or wider.
___ You failed to check the "Followups-To:" line.

___ Your .sig is ridiculous because (check all that apply):
___ Your .sig is longer than 6 lines.
(Mark only if above checked)
___ And your newsreader truncated it.

___ You listed ___ snail mail address(es).
(Mark only if above checked)
___ You listed a nine-digit ZIP code.
___ You included your nickname on IRC.
___ You listed ___ phone numbers for people to use in prank calls.
___ You included a stupid disclaimer.
(Mark only if above also)
___ your pathetic attempt at being witty in the disclaimer failed.
(Mark only if above also)
___ Miserably.
___ your .sig should make your company disclaim YOU.

___ You included: (Mark all that apply)
___ a stupid self-quote.
___ a stupid quote from a net.nobody.
___ a Bill Clinton quote.
___ a Dan Quayle joke.
___ a reference to Beavis & Butthead.
___ any reference to any TV talk show host.
___ a set of instructions for something as stupid as your post.
___ lame ASCII graphics (Choose all that apply):
___ USS Enterprise
___ Australia
___ The Amiga logo
___ Your company's logo
(Mark only if above also)
___ and I stated that I don't speak for my employer.
___ A bicycle
___ ANY of The Simpsons

Furthermore:
___ You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of newsgroup name.
___ You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of the net.
___ You are a loser.
___ You must have spent your entire life in a Skinner box to be this clueless.
___ plonk
___ All of this has been pointed out to you before.
___ It is recommended that you: (Mark all that apply)
___ stick to FidoNet and come back when you've grown up.
___ find a volcano and throw yourself in.
___ get a gun and shoot yourself.
___ stop reading Usenet news and get a life.
___ stop posting to Usenet and get a life.
___ stop sending email and get a life.
___ consume excrement.
___ consume excrement and thus expire.

Go back to other funny things.
Go back to obsessive behavior patterns.
Go home.