Back to the stories.Back to obsessive behavior patterns.Make fun of groupies.Did you know that I've played in a variety of bands?
Go home.
Michael Corcoran and Robert Wilonsky
This originally ran in the Austin Chronicle, 4 29 99.
Gather 'round, lads, "Smell the Truth" is here. Rock is in danger of dying, having been choked by so many cliches, so it's time for some tough love. Follow these rules and maybe you have a chance.
1. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him or her.
2. Never play longer than 45 minutes. Even great bands get boring after 10 songs.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. Getting played on "The Next Big Thing" doesn't mean you're in regular rotation on 101-X.
5. No one cares whom you've opened for.
6. A string section doesn't make your songs sound any more important.
7. Yes, you are a hippie jam band.
8. If you want the Austin Chronicle to write about your band, don't lead off your press kit with a review by Chronicle-ex Rob Patterson.
9. If your band has gone through more than four bass players, it's time to break up.
10. Never join a band fronted by a 17-year-old. He will get all the press and eventually his dad will fire you.
11. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
12. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music. ("Oh, does Rage Against the Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
13. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk.
14. Don't say your video's getting played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
15. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "guaranteed three-record deal."
16. When you get dropped, insist that it was the worst contract ever and that you asked to be let go.
17. Never name a song after your band.
18. Never name your band after a song.
19. When the drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer immediately.
20. Don't ever think it's a good idea to be drawn for the cover of your CD.
21. Never enter a "Battle of the Bands" contest. If you do, you're already a loser.
22. The proper response to a request by police to move your van is "yes, sir" not "hey, man, what do you have against musicians, man?"
23. Scary word pairings: "rock opera," "white rapper," "blues jam," "swing band" and "open mike."
24. If you feel compelled to graffiti your name on the walls on the dressing room, let us throw out a name: Lame-O.
25. Don't tell people you run into that you'll put them on your guest list unless you know their names.
26. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
27. It's not a "showcase." It's a gig that doesn't pay.
28. If you go from being a musician to a spoken word artist, you can't go back.
29. Listen, either you break it to your parents or we will: It's rock 'n' roll, not soccer. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
30. If the label advances you enough money to rent a tour bus, don't park it out in front of Steamboat when you have a local show. Your friends aren't jealous. They hate you.
31. No one cares that you have a website.
32. Telltale signs that it might be time to break up:
a) Your SXSW slot is 8 PM Wednesday at Fat Tuesday's
b) Spinal Tap isn't funny anymore
c) Several audience members are wearing earplugs -- and you're an acoustic act
d) You've got a cute girl in the group and KLBJ still won't book you for the morning show
e) Paul Minor won't return your calls.
33. Getting a positive review in Texas Beat doesn't mean your record's getting good press. And getting a good review in 3rd Coast Music only means that no one will ever buy your record.
34. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
35. Don't hire a publicist.
36. Never play restaurants unless you're a jazz band.
37. If you've ever been called pretentious, don't send out promo photos like this one. [I assume that this was a pretty awful picture. -- sdn]
38. Playing San Marcos and Alpine doesn't mean you're out on tour.
39. Don't join a cover band that has Bush songs in its repertoire. In fact, don't join a cover band.
40. Although they come in different colors and styles, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
41. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
42. If you use a smoke machine, your music sucks. Ditto a light show.
43. If Watermelon is trying to sign you, and then one night the guy from Doolittle gives you his card, you're not "the subject of a label bidding war."
44. We can tell the difference between a professionally-produced album cover and one made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
45. Remember, if blues guitar solos are so difficult, why can so many 16-year-olds play them?
46. If you ever take a bad publicity photo, destroy it. Otherwise, you never know where it might turn up.
47. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
48. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
49. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
50. The Courtney Love rule: Stage diving in a baby doll dress is like tossing a bowling ball to a throng of Teamsters in Scranton.
51. No song should be longer than the time it takes to smoke a cigarette, drink a beer or get a table at Vespaio.
52. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest," "demo deal," "legendary Austinite," "blues genius," "Austin Rehearsal Complex," "$500 guarantee," "Fastball's second hit."
53. Three things that are never coming back: gongs, headbands, playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
54. Three more that are never coming back: Joe Ely, Butch Hancock, Jimmie Dale Gilmore.
55. If you've played SXSW every year since its inception, keep it to yourself. You wouldn't want your high school yearbook to point out that you spent three years as a senior, would you?
56. Wear a codpiece and go to jail. It's the law.
Back to the stories.
Back to obsessive behavior patterns.
Make fun of groupies.
Did you know that I've played in a variety of bands?
Go home.